Hey Presto! You’ve Got Porn!

Just days after the release of its new product, silicon valley startup Presto has been inundated with calls from angry consumers getting spammed with porn.

The idea for the Presto unit came when they realised there was a need for people who did not interface well with computers. The Presto unit uses a special HP printer that can send data to another machines and back over a normal phone line – no need for internet access or a computer.

The unit has become a great product for the elderly market who would normally wait for photos of their loved ones while waiting out their death sentence in nursing homes. Now, with the Presto units, they can wait for photos of their loved ones to come streaming through the printer from the comfort of their own nursing home.

Presto Porn in Action

A technical oversight in the development of the protocols for Presto has allowed it to now become a virtaul random porn gallery. The address protocols for Presto provide everyone with an @presto.com email address. Using the simple %@presto.com address, pranksters have now been issuing spam prints to thousands of helpless elderly people across the wide bay area in SF.

“I’m too scared to turn the thing on now and I’ve only had it installed for a couple of weeks” reported Janice McWilliams, a 92 year old widow at Fosterson’s nursing home in Fresno.

Meanwhile at the Gratefully Alive nursing home for men in Reston, Virginia, managers their have seen the ongoing pranks with its pluses and minuses.

Jack Browning, Manager for Physical Health, stated “the Presto printers have meant that the men have spent a lot more time indoors waiting for these new porn pictures. And while that keeps them occupied during the winter months ahead, the damn cost for printers cartridges is killing us financially!”

“We just ask that these pranksters keep the images down to a reasonable size of the page, maybe 4×4 inches. This would save considerable amounts in consumables for us. I mean, the old guys don’t need a full 12×8 to get them excited.”

And while some nursing homes are seeing the upside of the pranks, others are seeing the exact opposite. Tom Greenland from the Illinois Mater Hospital, attached to the Illinois Adventist Nursing Home for Men, has seen a sharp rise in traumas in the nursing home patients since the installation of the Presto machines.

“We’ve had all sorts of traumas over the past 3 weeks ranging from heart complaints to stress complaints. We even had one old chap having an angina attack after getting himself ‘caught’ in a pumpkin trying to imitate what he had seen in one of the spam attacks.” Greenland said. “For the sake of these men, I hope we can remove these machines.”

Presto spokesperson Rod Petty issued a statement today advising that “the company was happy to be providing many lonely elderly people with enjoyment from legitimate sources like their families and loved ones. We are saddened that our technology has been used for ill sought purposes and we will be attempting to rectify those issues shortly.”

“However, the recent events have identified to us that there is a market for elderly single people with wierd sexual desires that could be tapped into and become a substantial revenue earner. It is with that knowledge that we will be releasing PrestoPorn where users can register themselves discreetly over the phone and have legitimate upmarket photos delivered to their Presto printer 3 times per day” Petty added.


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5 responses to “Hey Presto! You’ve Got Porn!

  1. For all your printer needs and cartridge refills. Exclusive agent for Presto.

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  2. Oh, behave! 😉

    I’m sure glad I saw your “About Us” page… I can take a joke as well as the next guy, but the parody was so subtle, it wasn’t immediately obvious that you were ribbing us.

    Seriously though… we saw the potential spam problem coming a mile away and solved it really well with a ‘white list’. Presto Service only delivers messages from approved senders that a user has included on their Presto Friends list.

    Be good!

    Joe Seither
    Presto Services

  3. Hey Joe

    Thanks for responding and thanks for being able to take a joke.

    As we say in the About Us, if we’re writing about you, then you’re famous. So I hope Presto’s fame brings you the right fortune.

    And please feel free something else to develop that we can write a parody about – we’re also in search of new material!

    Regards

    The Piistakr

  4. Pingback: Presto Releases New Exclusive Services «

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